Life has a way of humbling you.. bring the proud to one knee.. take you down that notch when you are feeling like invincible. I have something to cop to.. I am going to make a declaration here.. the truth is.. I am frightened as hell about growing old. Am I alone in this? No.. Many of us grasp at the remnants of our youth.. we say our children keep us young.. Some go through mid-life crisis.. some dye their hair.. Everyone has their way of coping, I suppose. I know I can't make myself crazy over this.. Ok.. I could.. but I don't want to.. Some may say that I act the way I do in an effort to hold on to my youth.. I could see why some would say that.. but it seems that the way I act is the one thing that hasn't really changed.. It is more of an arrested development. I am going gray.. My facial hair is very salt and pepper and I have the touches of silver on my temples. I look in the mirror.. my face .. well.. is my face.. more lines.. little more tired looking.. I know I look like.. a dad. I suppose I am mature enough as to not try too hard. I'm not going to color my hair.. (One of the benefits of being a guy.. we can still look bitchin' with some silver. Sorry ladies.. I don't make societies rules.. ) I am not going to get some midlife crisis sports car.. I am not going to dress in douche-like clothes.. (no Ed Hardy, Affliction, etc.. It just looks sad and it reeks of trying way too hard) I just don't want to wait to die. I don't feel like I have covered everything I should have.. I feel like there is more to do.. more to accomplish.
Why all this introspection? I got scared.. The other day I was chilling.. and suddenly I felt like I got hit in the head by a baseball bat. It was a blinding pain. It didn't last too long.. I went to bed to sleep it off.. and I had minor little migraine type headaches for about a week. Nothing extreme.. more of the I could feel a headache coming on if it wanted to. I know I should have gone to the doctor right then.. but to be honest, I was scared of what I might hear. I know I am saying the word scared a bunch.. but I guess it makes it real to me. I am not a "scared" type of guy. I will joke and goof around.. but not a huge fear guy. I guess I was raised to kind of brush it off.. to see it as a weakness in character.. Even if I felt it.. I pushed it down inside. I tend to do everything I can to know what I am getting into.. not a fan of surprises... and rarely get surprised. This was different. I was petrified. I kept much of my feelings to myself. I prefer to show a strong side for my family.. I don't like showing weakness as a general rule.. and I didn't want to deal with the teasing from friends that I was over-reacting. I know I have been guilty of telling people not to worry about things when they bring up whatever their concern is.. or tell them they are over-reacting.. or just saying "You're fine".. I know when I did that, I thought I was helping.. I wasn't. I was minimizing their concerns. That went through my head during the week and over the weekend, so I didn't bring up a bunch of details to anyone. One side note.. if you feel you have an illness or symptoms... go to the doctor.. DO NOT GO ON WEB MD... That shit will fuck with your head. I looked up the symptoms I had.. One of the first things to click when I let it know where I was hurting and such was "Was this the worst headache you have ever had?" I thought to myself.. "Well.. Yes!' mostly due to the fact that I have NEVER had a migraine before.. so I clicked yes.. WEB MD promptly stated that I had an aneurysm. WHAT???? It didn't list any other possible symptoms or illnesses.. just "HEY, dude.. you have a blood vessel in your brain that is about to 86 your ass!" SO I promptly backed out and decided that maybe .. perhaps that wasn't the worst headache I have ever had.. I went through some of the other stuff.. and it gave me a bunch of possible death sentences. What seemed to fit the most was something called Cluster Headaches.. lovely.. I quit smoking and now I get to have my body fall apart. So.. anyway.. I called the doctor this morning to go in.. I went in.. The Nurse Practitioner (whom I think is the shizz) went over everything... listened to what I had to say and my concerns.. (without calling me a big crybaby pussy) and said, "Hey.. well if you waited this long.. if it had been a stroke.. we probably wouldn't be talking." Good point.. So she told me it probably wasn't a tumor or an an aneurysm, but to check in with her next week. She put me on a steroid for a few days to see if it helps clear something up in case of sinus infection or whatever.
So, now.. I don't drink much.. I don't smoke.. (like an Adam Ant video)((Don Draper would be crying right now.. if he knew how to)) .. Now it is going to be a real challenge to maintain my edgy-ness.. LOL How do I keep the gruff swagger I have worked for YEARS to perfect.. I am coming close to middle age.. I guess I could try to rock the plaid shorts.. dark socks.. sandals.. tucked in polo shirt.. ick...
Ugh.. enough sensitivity and emotional crap for now.. I really must be losing my edge.. I guess everyone will have to learn to adjust to a slightly less edgy, more smooth than rough Brooks.... sorry, ladies.
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