I haven't been terribly inspired much lately. Perhaps, it is because of my general mood of late.. Maybe it is because there is way too much clutter in my head to put out any understandable train of thought.. I am sure most of my readers have figured out that below the salty layer, is the heart of a tortured, romantic poet. A sensitive soul who blathers inflammatory nonsense to distract himself from feeling anything genuine. Or a selfish jerk who enjoys twisting other people's heads like pretzels.. or a sociopathic narcissist who is only worried about his own demons. Or perhaps, the guy who does care about a bunch of people.... but is not so great at showing it. Either way you see me as you choose to see me.. kind of like that monologue from the end of "The Breakfast Club".. Either way.. this is about me and what I am feeling today. Bittersweet.
The end of school has come and gone and on Saturday.. I watched my oldest graduate high school. I am not sure it really hit me then.. at all.. Rach and I got married when we were pretty young.. three months into our marriage, I knocked Rach up. I cannot express how much of a douchebag I was back then.. (some would argue that I still fit that bill) But anyway... on 9/6/95, Chloe came into my life. The girl changed everything. Don't get me wrong.. I did not all of a sudden become a saint.. I still had much douchebaggery ahead of me... but something clicked a bit.. something was bigger than me.. I had some serious growing up to do. So.. with this little blonde, I grew up. Honestly, my daughter and I grew up together. It is a fairly safe assumption that Rach and I would not still be married if we didn't have to refocus on this new attention sucker. It was brutal. In NO WAY am I saying that having a kid will fix a relationship... we dodged a bullet somehow.. So.. back to growing up.. Rach had the most serious job, so I spent a ton of time with Chloe.. We did everything together. That kid was everything. There was never a time that we weren't running around on some adventure. I trusted her (VERY hard for me.. still to this day) and she trusted me completely. There was a certain co-dependence. This little girl carried me on her back (obviously not physically) Now don't get me wrong.. I was still old school when I had to be the corrective force and didn't put up with acting a fool.. but I never baby talked her.. She was a good and respectful kid, so it wasn't that hard a job.. and she was hard on herself when she thought she had disappointed me. In fact, much to my chagrin, she was much harder on herself than we, as parents, were. She has always felt that she could come to us and tell us things... even stuff we REALLY didn't want to hear.. She has my sense of humor... so good luck everyone else.. and has far surpassed her parents accomplishments when we were that age. I am constantly amazed by her. Can she be a selfish twit and have a bit of a princess complex... yes... very much so.. but then she usually figures out how she is acting... comes down later.. and apologizes.. Cant be too bent, I suppose... I created that monster. lol We do everything together and fall over laughing while everyone looks on with a confused look... and I am gonna miss the hell out of her when she goes off to college. It just won't quite be the same. It will be much quieter. I am extremely proud of her and I knew this day was coming... man... this is hard to type. The world is at your fingertips, kid. I know that you made my world a far better place to live in, Chlo.
