It is my day off. I had no alarm to deal with.. I kind of woke up around 8 am.. Faded in and out til about 8:30.. Decided it was time to get moving... but first I grabbed my phone to see what was up in email, FB, Twit.. etc.. as I thumb-scrolled through FB, I saw an article about a boy in Haltom City who, after years of bullying and torment for being different and having two moms, decided to take it to the school board to try to bring about change.. Having a complete hatred for bullies and bullying, I watched the video and thought about the anti-bullying projects going around.. I felt bad for the kid.. real bad. I know where he is coming from. I wish I felt that things would change.. It is like fighting nature itself.
In kindergarten.. everyone gets along. We have a blast on the playground.. we color pictures side by side.. The only enemy we had was naptime. Elementary rolls around.. and for the most part, we all get along. Sure there is the occasional comment about the fat kid or the weird kid who isn't like everyone else.. but it is kind of rare. Middle school opens up the floodgates. Shit gets real.. well.. real to us. Cliques form (and that isn't totally a bad thing.. birds of a feather sort of thing) but you have kids growing up.. hormones are out of control.. and a desperate need to find a place to fit in kicks in. This carries on through high school.. Sometimes it levels out.. sometimes it doesn't.
In middle school.. I was the chunky, nerdy kid.. who had no idea on how to be "cool". I had a few friends, but had no idea why other kids were always threatening to fight me.. and then if they thought it would save their skin.. my friends would join in.. I really had no idea why.. or what vibe I was giving off to catch this kind of shit. My parents sent me off to private school my last year due to my grades.. I thrived there.. Small classes .. no real cliques.. but then the school didn't have high school, so back to public school at Nimitz.
It all started out well enough.. I was in athletics, I was in good shape due to it and a growth spurt.. For the most part.. my underclassman years were fine... I had grade issues and was diagnosed with ADD, so I was given meds for that. Kind of made me a zombie, but I was still "me" But I guess my self esteem went to pot. I had no self -confidence (which is what I am guessing the bullies could smell on me).. Around junior year, everything went spiraling down the drain. Some of the popular guys decided to make me "their project".. So.. every time I went to Latin for the next 2 years.. I could expect to get pushed and punched.. called a "faggot"..etc.., with the teacher doing nothing (She adored those boys.. cuz well.. they were the "good" kids) It was hell for me.. In my dramatic high school mind.. I wanted to move far away and start over.. or for those guys to get hit by a truck.. but then nixed that thought because then ... they would get a memorial and everyone would talk about how great they were. At this point, I just wanted to blend in.. Not fit in.. but blend in to the scenery. Fly under the radar.. I did not want to be noticed by anyone. People took that as aloofness or arrogance.. I couldn't win. I found more genuine friends in the misfit toys of the world. They were interesting.. and since I didn't look like them,,, they were interested in me too. It was a win/win. Couldn't go to the vice principal.. because he was known for taking the side of the players.. (and he wasn't a fan of me already.. that's another story) I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I was going through this. I was bright, attractive, and upper middle class... this wasn't supposed to happen to me. I became so focused on me and my situation, that I never assumed anyone else was going through it except for me.
I hear other peoples stories about shit they went through in school and I am blown away.. I was so focused on my situation, that I didn't see what was going on around me. I have made my peace with myself about the guys... hoping that age and maturity have taken the wheel in their lives. I haven't walked in their shoes, so I don't know what they were going through.. or what threat they saw in me. It shaped, in a way, who I am... and frankly.. I love being the fat, brash with class 40 year old me more than the stunning, yet scared to death 17 yr old me.
I wish I could say that those programs are going to change anything. Raise Bullying Awareness. they say.. Guess what. everyone is aware.. everyone who has any awareness knows there is bullying.. and kids will make pledges to not bully and then thirty minutes later, give a wedgy to the weak kid. With being against reprogramming of peoples' minds.. I don't see a real answer to any of this.
Well.. if anything... I am glad I am a guy.. I can take a punch.. but you girls.. you bitches were vicious to each other.. I will take physical over psychological any day of the week. lol
