All Overlord aside...

I feel a sadness..  a deep gut wrenching sadness that I rarely allow myself to face.  I am a guarded person by nature..  I don't like to show what I feel or how I feel it..  It is a survival skill that has been honed and perfected for years..  and yet.. I would feel selfish and not human if I did not allow this to come to light.  I lost my sister-in-law today...  It hurts.  It hurts like hell to see Rach and my girls to cry..  not the tears of a stubbed toe..  not the cry of mere hurt feelings..  but the cry that comes from an unrecoverable loss..  a cry of hurt that cannot be described in mere words..  and I am the rock.  It isn't something you want to be.. but someone has to be strong..  so I turn the feelings off like a switch as I have before.  It hurts to do.. it tears my guts out.  I had to inform my side of the family of the loss.. it was what needed to be done.. and it was appropriate for me to do it. My mom was broken up about it.. I left a message for my dad..  and then I called my brother..  it never really hit me when I got the news...  I went into "fix-it" mode.. as I should.. but then when I called my sibling.. my brother..  it became hard for me to contain..  I lowered my voice to rein it in..  I could not help but feel the despair as if I had lost my own brother and what it must feel like..  it was a terrible and wicked anguish.  Anyone who knows me..  knows I am a control freak about any emotions I show..  I had to fight like hell to not cry like a child.. as I feel the tears well up as I type this..  I hate it.  My eyes burn..  my stomach feels like it has a catch in it...  Greta had suffered for a very long time with Diabetes and kidney failure..  constant dialysis was her daily activity for quite a while..  It was a tough existence..  it had to be..  but it never really kicked me till I found out she had passed..  I miss her terribly..  I took her existence for granted.  I will no longer have the sharp tongued banter with her during family get togethers... I won't get to refer to her as that "Dirty Artsy Hippie Chick" as she gives me hell about this or that..  There will be an empty chair at Christmas Eve when we are handing out presents to be opened ,,, one by one..  I cannot fathom what Rach feels right now.. or Libby... or Howard and Nancy..  I can only imagine that it is exponentially worse than what I feel.. and this is kicking my ass.  I will miss her amazing presence...