I never realized how this whole post-apocalyptic landscape and fight for constant survival and leading other to crush those who would oppose us would make you just want to crawl in the fetal position under the covers and nap all the time. SOOOO draining! So much has gone on since I last wrote in my diar---JOURNAL... Fuel is worth pretty much nothing. Toilet paper is now able to be had... partly because most of the hoarders were dragged into the street and drawn and quartered by my motorcycle enforcers.. The Ritas.. buncha smelly women who like to dress like pirates and take short rides til they find alcohol stashes and then forget it.. can't get shit out of them. Fortunately, in between those times, they usually have brutal hangovers and are a merciless force to deal with.. unless one just needs to talk about her feelings... its a process. That is what you have to expect when your main law enforcement team is basically a bunch of smelly pirate hookers.
The top secret organization I was with, before the Plague-pocalypse, has gone back to full work mode...it was good to see so many of my former agents back to work.. but it was a little melancholy.. like I imagine the last kid picked for dodgeball felt like.. I assume.. cuz.. what a loser. (Heeeeey.. call me...) but I sit on my balcony.. looking out at what I have built.... (frankly.. been making more money with this Overlord gig.. by a pretty good amount) and wonder.. IS this what I want?? I mean.. yes.. without me would society crumble.. would anarchy rule the land... answer being.. OBVIOUSLY.. Yes. But do I care? Again.. I haven't worn actual pants in years... I spend a lot of time in a dark room.. sleeping.. Some call it depression.. I just think I am a little sleepy. It has probably been having a negative effect on my performance as one of the top regional warlords in the country.. My scout team just goes on missions without bringing it up to me.. The hookers are now pushing for unionization. Mullets have made a huge comeback. People are bitching about gluten-free shit again.. Fortunately.. all the people who felt that laws should be followed to the letter.. unless it kept them from doing what they wanted or from having haircuts.. died from a really nasty strain of the plague.. So... there are a lot of jacked up trucks, YETI coolers, HD Ultra Classics, and red hats just sitting.. rotting.. unattended... next to bloated corpses with explodified genitalia and Karen cuts. Some issues fix themselves. Those who survived were needled to death by the medical overlord who finally snapped having to deal with those fuckers.
I have forgetten what it was like to sit at a restaurant and have a meal.. I would kill a busload of orphans for some Tex-Mex right now.. Now, according to law, all food must be passed to the consumer through a slot in a door. Some restaurant owners thought they were smart and duct taped doors to their wait staff.. They were promptly shot under violation of the United States Food Must Be Door Food Laws Act of 2021.
Seriously been thinking of passing this leadership off to one of my Lieutenants and going elsewhere.. Start over again. Get a change of scenery. I realized the part I loved about being an overlord was the process of BECOMING an overlord. The raiding parties, the attacks on caravans, the monthly meetings with the other overlords in the area to share ideas and post overlording ideas on pinterest. GOD!!! I felt young again!!! Now that all the infrastructure is in place... it is SO BORING. I feel like my peons are just taking me for granted. I feel like the reason ALL women throw themselves at me is because of my position.. not because I am rugged, ridiculously charming and dangerous.. like they used to.. I have become what I hate the most.. a Politician... or at the very least a Governor..
Think I am just going to go to bed....
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Day 52 - The Plague-pocalypse Saga - The Party Prep
Mama told me there would be days like this...
I mean.. not specifically THIS, per se.. There was nothing about piles of bodies everywhere (which make great sandbags for bunkers if you wrap them well enough.. and if it is cold enough outside) There was nothing about abandoned cars all over the roads.. (make sure and get the keys out of the driver's pocket before you wrap them up).. There was nothing about the lack of in-house dining (all of the drive-throughs are open though.. and delivery... though we keep losing drivers to assorted STDs due to their new found social status.
I'm rambling.. Anyway.. So.. I try to keep some normality for all my peeps, followers, and minions. My team and I work very hard to make the plague-pocalypse suck less for the people by having special events.. carnivals.. hiring and job fairs.. the usual. The job fairs have been a roaring success!!!! 100% placement for everyone!! My success rating is amazing with this! People come in.. with no job.. leave.. with a job! The process is simple.. They form an organized line.. They come up to a table we set up (very festive.. confetti and shit...pens.. mouse pads with my face on them) and my team says .. "Congrats!! Here is your job!!" No worries about competition.. no worries about having to look sharp.. we just hand you any shit job we didn't want and you do it.. Simple.. You work, you get shelter, food, and the opportunity to keep breathing.
Also, coming up, is the The Hella Uber Mega Birthday!!! for .. me! Biggest event of the year.. celebrating all the wonderful stuff I have done for everyone. I leave that to Rach and Bevin Frye (my head of security and chairman of the department of get rid of people who annoy me). You want to talk about someone who was born for their job.. Bev ( I call him Bev.. I abhor using more than one syllable) is the only person I know of who is more annoyed by humanity than I am. Plus, it doesn't hurt that he is hitched to my head of sad trombone.. It is important to have someone poke holes in your ideas and dreams and just generally suck the air out of the room, and dammit.. Mandy Frye is that person..
Ok.. back to my party. My scouts, Bilby and Lita, were assigned the duty to find a source of 3000 cupcakes for the festival. They needed to be assorted flavors.. leaning heavily on the chocolate side of things... and to be safe for everyone, we asked if anyone had a nut allergy and/or gluten intolerance. Those people were immediately rounded up and shot.. thus adding to our depleting (and frankly getting a little squishy) sandbag supply. They went off on their ridiculously loud stealth cycles to the area east of us.. past the wastelands of Frisco and slightly south of the Douche-pits.
Reports state that they came upon a huge fortress... legend says it was formally an arena,, or stadium of sorts.. It was a bit crumbly.. (they probably paid way too much for such shoddy workmanship) but the walls around it were MASSIVE!!! It was made almost entirely of high school band equipment and discontinued shoes.. This was the home of the Keeper of The Cuppycakes.. a place where you could get incredible pastries.. but at what price.. But.. cake ain't gonna make itself.. and I sure as hell ain't doing it.
B&L took the direct approach.. They rolled up to the gates and Lita was so brutal with telling the guards how they should be guarding that they packed up and left.. sniffling.. They heard one say to the other, "I'm not crying.. You're crying.." Oh yeah.. Old Willy was with them driving the truck.. forgot to mention that, because frankly, no one expected him to show up.
B&L& Old W waltzed in with a small crew.. They heard really bad new country music being piped through the speakers and a cold chill ran up their spines. The walls were hiding these huge ovens.. spitting smoke out the tops.. Ovens as large as a mini-mall and hotter than a mini-mall being torched for insurance reasons.. Suddenly.. clouds of smoke... nay.. A.P. flour surrounded them. They were blinded and then jumped and tied up by a bunch of strapping lads who all were wearing identical masks, dressed the same.. and had more of that white shit on their shoes. They also spoke with a really bad take on an Irish accent.. though you could hear the Texas accent through it. When asked why they had the goofy getups.. their only reply was, "We serve HER." My crew was then brought to what had to be the main bakery.. They were sat on milk crates and thats when they saw the chick the cheap Colin Farrell knock offs were talking about.
A broad.. with red hair.. pacing back and forth.. slightly hunched over.. with a completely exasperated look and tone about her.. was basically talking to herself as she fidgeted back and forth between mixers and ovens... tossing trays in and yanking them out with an ungodly speed. "Cant make the cakes if no one mixes the batter.. cant make the batter if no one gets the eggs.. cant get they eggs if ... " she was muttering to herself.. Then she froze... turned suddenly to my crew as if it were the first time she noticed they were there.. and spouted in a crazed.. obviously not all there tone, "Welcome to Ignorance Pancakes and other types of Cakes!!! What the fuck do you want?"
Bilby.. looking more annoyed than usual.. says, " Well.. first.. untie me you, crazy bitch!! and then..I need to order a shit ton of cupcakes for my mentor and hero's birthday bash!!" "Ohhhhhhhh... And when do you neeeeeed these happy (twitch) little cupcakes??" She said.. with pure malice dripping from her words. Lita pipes in, "Well, you probably don't have anything better to do.. so... 3 days? I mean.. how hard is it to make cupcakes.. really..." Fire burned in the eyes of the Pastry Queen... "Couldn't have... I dunno (twitch twitch)... given a little advance notice?? Not like I have anything BETTER to do!!! (BIG twitch) Not like I can get any of these idiots around me to do any actual work!!!!!! But SURE.. cupcakes.. How many?" "30 Hundred!!", Old Willy chimed in.. (obviously, he wanted to feel like part of the conversation too.) The Pastry Queen spat "Three fucking thousand cup cakes??.. Three days???? (twitch twitch) You tell that Overlord that he can suck it!! If he wants a war!!!!! I WILL BRING THE PAIN!!!" as her face turned redder than her hair... "Well.. one... Woman.. You need to calm down.. (always effective) and B. My friend, Marty Turco, said you were the best..", Bilby exclaimed. Right as she was about to brain my buddy, Bilby, with a rolling pin.. she stopped... the fury left her eyes instantly.. and then she turned into what I can only describe as a silly, teenage girl (in actions.. not actuality. cuz what? How would a person de-age) "Omigawd.. Marty was talking about me?? (twirling on her hair).. Like did he.. like OMIGAWD!!! OMIGAWD!!! You know Marty T?? YES YES YES!!! I will totally get those cupcakes to you!!!! My name is Jaimee Falcon and I will fulfill your order!!!SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" she shrieked as she skipped around like a loon.. swinging a whisk over her head!! "I will make one special for him!!! OMAAAAAGAAWD!!! Tell Marty to call me!!! " She swooned..
She quickly released my crew.. dusted them off and within 2 hours had all the cupcakes made plus threw in a few thousand more and some Macarons on top of that. B, L& Old W loaded up Willy's van and headed back. The party got pulled off.. except for the sound system and lighting going out a few times.. Who the hell put Roth in charge of that??
I mean.. not specifically THIS, per se.. There was nothing about piles of bodies everywhere (which make great sandbags for bunkers if you wrap them well enough.. and if it is cold enough outside) There was nothing about abandoned cars all over the roads.. (make sure and get the keys out of the driver's pocket before you wrap them up).. There was nothing about the lack of in-house dining (all of the drive-throughs are open though.. and delivery... though we keep losing drivers to assorted STDs due to their new found social status.
I'm rambling.. Anyway.. So.. I try to keep some normality for all my peeps, followers, and minions. My team and I work very hard to make the plague-pocalypse suck less for the people by having special events.. carnivals.. hiring and job fairs.. the usual. The job fairs have been a roaring success!!!! 100% placement for everyone!! My success rating is amazing with this! People come in.. with no job.. leave.. with a job! The process is simple.. They form an organized line.. They come up to a table we set up (very festive.. confetti and shit...pens.. mouse pads with my face on them) and my team says .. "Congrats!! Here is your job!!" No worries about competition.. no worries about having to look sharp.. we just hand you any shit job we didn't want and you do it.. Simple.. You work, you get shelter, food, and the opportunity to keep breathing.
Also, coming up, is the The Hella Uber Mega Birthday!!! for .. me! Biggest event of the year.. celebrating all the wonderful stuff I have done for everyone. I leave that to Rach and Bevin Frye (my head of security and chairman of the department of get rid of people who annoy me). You want to talk about someone who was born for their job.. Bev ( I call him Bev.. I abhor using more than one syllable) is the only person I know of who is more annoyed by humanity than I am. Plus, it doesn't hurt that he is hitched to my head of sad trombone.. It is important to have someone poke holes in your ideas and dreams and just generally suck the air out of the room, and dammit.. Mandy Frye is that person..
Ok.. back to my party. My scouts, Bilby and Lita, were assigned the duty to find a source of 3000 cupcakes for the festival. They needed to be assorted flavors.. leaning heavily on the chocolate side of things... and to be safe for everyone, we asked if anyone had a nut allergy and/or gluten intolerance. Those people were immediately rounded up and shot.. thus adding to our depleting (and frankly getting a little squishy) sandbag supply. They went off on their ridiculously loud stealth cycles to the area east of us.. past the wastelands of Frisco and slightly south of the Douche-pits.
Reports state that they came upon a huge fortress... legend says it was formally an arena,, or stadium of sorts.. It was a bit crumbly.. (they probably paid way too much for such shoddy workmanship) but the walls around it were MASSIVE!!! It was made almost entirely of high school band equipment and discontinued shoes.. This was the home of the Keeper of The Cuppycakes.. a place where you could get incredible pastries.. but at what price.. But.. cake ain't gonna make itself.. and I sure as hell ain't doing it.
B&L took the direct approach.. They rolled up to the gates and Lita was so brutal with telling the guards how they should be guarding that they packed up and left.. sniffling.. They heard one say to the other, "I'm not crying.. You're crying.." Oh yeah.. Old Willy was with them driving the truck.. forgot to mention that, because frankly, no one expected him to show up.
B&L& Old W waltzed in with a small crew.. They heard really bad new country music being piped through the speakers and a cold chill ran up their spines. The walls were hiding these huge ovens.. spitting smoke out the tops.. Ovens as large as a mini-mall and hotter than a mini-mall being torched for insurance reasons.. Suddenly.. clouds of smoke... nay.. A.P. flour surrounded them. They were blinded and then jumped and tied up by a bunch of strapping lads who all were wearing identical masks, dressed the same.. and had more of that white shit on their shoes. They also spoke with a really bad take on an Irish accent.. though you could hear the Texas accent through it. When asked why they had the goofy getups.. their only reply was, "We serve HER." My crew was then brought to what had to be the main bakery.. They were sat on milk crates and thats when they saw the chick the cheap Colin Farrell knock offs were talking about.
A broad.. with red hair.. pacing back and forth.. slightly hunched over.. with a completely exasperated look and tone about her.. was basically talking to herself as she fidgeted back and forth between mixers and ovens... tossing trays in and yanking them out with an ungodly speed. "Cant make the cakes if no one mixes the batter.. cant make the batter if no one gets the eggs.. cant get they eggs if ... " she was muttering to herself.. Then she froze... turned suddenly to my crew as if it were the first time she noticed they were there.. and spouted in a crazed.. obviously not all there tone, "Welcome to Ignorance Pancakes and other types of Cakes!!! What the fuck do you want?"
Bilby.. looking more annoyed than usual.. says, " Well.. first.. untie me you, crazy bitch!! and then..I need to order a shit ton of cupcakes for my mentor and hero's birthday bash!!" "Ohhhhhhhh... And when do you neeeeeed these happy (twitch) little cupcakes??" She said.. with pure malice dripping from her words. Lita pipes in, "Well, you probably don't have anything better to do.. so... 3 days? I mean.. how hard is it to make cupcakes.. really..." Fire burned in the eyes of the Pastry Queen... "Couldn't have... I dunno (twitch twitch)... given a little advance notice?? Not like I have anything BETTER to do!!! (BIG twitch) Not like I can get any of these idiots around me to do any actual work!!!!!! But SURE.. cupcakes.. How many?" "30 Hundred!!", Old Willy chimed in.. (obviously, he wanted to feel like part of the conversation too.) The Pastry Queen spat "Three fucking thousand cup cakes??.. Three days???? (twitch twitch) You tell that Overlord that he can suck it!! If he wants a war!!!!! I WILL BRING THE PAIN!!!" as her face turned redder than her hair... "Well.. one... Woman.. You need to calm down.. (always effective) and B. My friend, Marty Turco, said you were the best..", Bilby exclaimed. Right as she was about to brain my buddy, Bilby, with a rolling pin.. she stopped... the fury left her eyes instantly.. and then she turned into what I can only describe as a silly, teenage girl (in actions.. not actuality. cuz what? How would a person de-age) "Omigawd.. Marty was talking about me?? (twirling on her hair).. Like did he.. like OMIGAWD!!! OMIGAWD!!! You know Marty T?? YES YES YES!!! I will totally get those cupcakes to you!!!! My name is Jaimee Falcon and I will fulfill your order!!!SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" she shrieked as she skipped around like a loon.. swinging a whisk over her head!! "I will make one special for him!!! OMAAAAAGAAWD!!! Tell Marty to call me!!! " She swooned..
She quickly released my crew.. dusted them off and within 2 hours had all the cupcakes made plus threw in a few thousand more and some Macarons on top of that. B, L& Old W loaded up Willy's van and headed back. The party got pulled off.. except for the sound system and lighting going out a few times.. Who the hell put Roth in charge of that??
Thursday, April 2, 2020
Day 49.5 The Plague-pocolypse Saga
Captain's Log.. Ugh.. No
To Whom it may concern.. (sigh)
Whatever -
So many people think there is a lot of glitz and glamour to the whole post-apocalyptic wasteland.. The outfits.. the sweet weapons.. the ridiculously over modified vehicles... Thats all great and all, but what made it cool in other movies where we may or may not have gotten a lot of our ideas, was a massive shortage of resources like gasoline and food.. Something takes the glitz out of all of this when you spend the day out marauding in your spike covered rolling death machine and you pull up to QT.. put your check card in the slot.. put in your pin.. fill up.. walk in.. buy a red bull and head back out. Its just not the same. I mean.. ok.. the leather armor set is pretty sweet.. (and I cant think of another instance on when I would wear it.)
Certain skills have moved to the forefront of having "Stroke" Where it used to be Fire, Police, EMS, and Military were seen as the heroes... they have been popped on the backburner for Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Kitchen folk, and Pizza Delivery folks. When I took it upon myself to lead people to the next Utopia, I was worried about how I would have to fight off the women, but it is the normal level of ridiculous amounts of women trying to curry my favor and trying to be "All up on me".. But, and I wanna say I would never have seen this coming.. You wanna pull some serious tail?? Uber Eats drivers.. They are SWIMMING in it!It doesn't stop at just the tip! Apparently, Chlamydia is on the rise.. The Ubers' new station in life hasn't all of a sudden made them any more responsible. Filthy animals.
Which brings me to the medical peeps. You thought they may have had a God complex before.. Its insane now.. You want treatment?? You gotdayum better have a shrine built to their scrubs-wearing asses!!! One of the Medicos in our area has taken the helm of the Health Empire. Never would have seen this coming. Giffer Goldfarb (Pronounced like the peanut butter brand with an "er" at the end) was a completely unforeseen power house. Once when I had a bunch of my marauders ( I like marauder better than raiders, don't you? Classy AF) get themselves jacked up on a failed raid on a CVS (Those Cashiers and Pharmacists are tougher than they look.. years of pent up anger from working at CVS, I guess) and we loaded up our war wagon and went to the regional hospital to get them patched up. We made it to the gates (amazing how quickly people got those things up) and were stopped by a bunch of scrub-rocking thugs. I jump out, ready to deal with the insolence as only I can, and BAM.. suddenly I feel a sting in my neck. and then thats when the world went spinny..
Shortly, or longly.. I dunno.. I was out.. and then I woke up in what was the hospital chapel.. I am immediately hauled upright by some of the earlier mentioned scrub thugs. My bleary eyes adjust and I see sitting on a makeshift throne made from stacked EKG carts, moto parts, and what I can only guess is the bones of her past supervisors, is a brunette chippy with reaaaaally long arms.. like distractingly long. Her getup looks like a mix between "Vikings" and "ER". She looks at me with a very menacing stare.. her eyebrows (which were totally on fleek) furrowed. "Who are you that disturbs my break time??", she hisses. "Hey!", I slur (still waking up), "I'm the guy you popped a nite-nite dart into, good drugs BTW, and I gotta tell you, Honey.. Your sweet cheeks made a big mistake. I am kind of a big deal around this area! People know me!" She replies, "You the guy passing out the condoms with your face on them?" "No no no... thats another guy.. he's kind of a dick and totally riding my coattails.. But I digress.." "SILENCE!!", she barks!! Me mumbling.. "you asked me ... so.. I was just.." "DO you EVER shut up?", She asked. "Not one of my strong suits, pumpkin. What is your name, babydoll?.", I reply with all my charm. "God.. you are exasperating... I am Giffer.. keeper of all that is medical.. Bringer of all that is Stabby, I am Life and I am Death!!" "Power has gone to SOMEONE'S head.", I whisper. "What was that??", Giffer asked. (sigh) "what do you want, dude?" "Well", says I.. "A bunch of my guys need patching up due to their own stupidity... Hard to find good help, amirite?" "You have no idea... I am surrounded by annoying monkeys. Well, let me check... (taps on her computer.. ) Well.. You are in network.. except that guy (pointing at one of my guys who is sans- head.. not sure why we brought him) He is gonna need a specialist.. I'll write a referral.. Copay is 25 rolls of two ply. "
So, my guys get patched up and we pay up and get the hell out of dodge. The Medicos did a heckuva job putting my crew back together, though I got the feeling that Queen Gif enjoyed jabbing needles in the guys a little too much. I get that they needed tetanus shots, (cleanliness is not one of their strong points.. There is no shortage on soap, guys!) but was it necessary for her to whisper in their ears "I'm inside you now.." every time she gave them a shot.. frikkin creepy..
UP Next : My birthday and the fellas want cuppycakes.
To Whom it may concern.. (sigh)
Whatever -
So many people think there is a lot of glitz and glamour to the whole post-apocalyptic wasteland.. The outfits.. the sweet weapons.. the ridiculously over modified vehicles... Thats all great and all, but what made it cool in other movies where we may or may not have gotten a lot of our ideas, was a massive shortage of resources like gasoline and food.. Something takes the glitz out of all of this when you spend the day out marauding in your spike covered rolling death machine and you pull up to QT.. put your check card in the slot.. put in your pin.. fill up.. walk in.. buy a red bull and head back out. Its just not the same. I mean.. ok.. the leather armor set is pretty sweet.. (and I cant think of another instance on when I would wear it.)
Certain skills have moved to the forefront of having "Stroke" Where it used to be Fire, Police, EMS, and Military were seen as the heroes... they have been popped on the backburner for Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Kitchen folk, and Pizza Delivery folks. When I took it upon myself to lead people to the next Utopia, I was worried about how I would have to fight off the women, but it is the normal level of ridiculous amounts of women trying to curry my favor and trying to be "All up on me".. But, and I wanna say I would never have seen this coming.. You wanna pull some serious tail?? Uber Eats drivers.. They are SWIMMING in it!It doesn't stop at just the tip! Apparently, Chlamydia is on the rise.. The Ubers' new station in life hasn't all of a sudden made them any more responsible. Filthy animals.
Which brings me to the medical peeps. You thought they may have had a God complex before.. Its insane now.. You want treatment?? You gotdayum better have a shrine built to their scrubs-wearing asses!!! One of the Medicos in our area has taken the helm of the Health Empire. Never would have seen this coming. Giffer Goldfarb (Pronounced like the peanut butter brand with an "er" at the end) was a completely unforeseen power house. Once when I had a bunch of my marauders ( I like marauder better than raiders, don't you? Classy AF) get themselves jacked up on a failed raid on a CVS (Those Cashiers and Pharmacists are tougher than they look.. years of pent up anger from working at CVS, I guess) and we loaded up our war wagon and went to the regional hospital to get them patched up. We made it to the gates (amazing how quickly people got those things up) and were stopped by a bunch of scrub-rocking thugs. I jump out, ready to deal with the insolence as only I can, and BAM.. suddenly I feel a sting in my neck. and then thats when the world went spinny..
Shortly, or longly.. I dunno.. I was out.. and then I woke up in what was the hospital chapel.. I am immediately hauled upright by some of the earlier mentioned scrub thugs. My bleary eyes adjust and I see sitting on a makeshift throne made from stacked EKG carts, moto parts, and what I can only guess is the bones of her past supervisors, is a brunette chippy with reaaaaally long arms.. like distractingly long. Her getup looks like a mix between "Vikings" and "ER". She looks at me with a very menacing stare.. her eyebrows (which were totally on fleek) furrowed. "Who are you that disturbs my break time??", she hisses. "Hey!", I slur (still waking up), "I'm the guy you popped a nite-nite dart into, good drugs BTW, and I gotta tell you, Honey.. Your sweet cheeks made a big mistake. I am kind of a big deal around this area! People know me!" She replies, "You the guy passing out the condoms with your face on them?" "No no no... thats another guy.. he's kind of a dick and totally riding my coattails.. But I digress.." "SILENCE!!", she barks!! Me mumbling.. "you asked me ... so.. I was just.." "DO you EVER shut up?", She asked. "Not one of my strong suits, pumpkin. What is your name, babydoll?.", I reply with all my charm. "God.. you are exasperating... I am Giffer.. keeper of all that is medical.. Bringer of all that is Stabby, I am Life and I am Death!!" "Power has gone to SOMEONE'S head.", I whisper. "What was that??", Giffer asked. (sigh) "what do you want, dude?" "Well", says I.. "A bunch of my guys need patching up due to their own stupidity... Hard to find good help, amirite?" "You have no idea... I am surrounded by annoying monkeys. Well, let me check... (taps on her computer.. ) Well.. You are in network.. except that guy (pointing at one of my guys who is sans- head.. not sure why we brought him) He is gonna need a specialist.. I'll write a referral.. Copay is 25 rolls of two ply. "
So, my guys get patched up and we pay up and get the hell out of dodge. The Medicos did a heckuva job putting my crew back together, though I got the feeling that Queen Gif enjoyed jabbing needles in the guys a little too much. I get that they needed tetanus shots, (cleanliness is not one of their strong points.. There is no shortage on soap, guys!) but was it necessary for her to whisper in their ears "I'm inside you now.." every time she gave them a shot.. frikkin creepy..
UP Next : My birthday and the fellas want cuppycakes.
Friday, March 27, 2020
Day 47: The Plague-pocolypse Saga
Day 47:
I am not sure why I put myself through this. You look confused. Well... since you are tied up there anyway.. And I have nothing really going on for the next.. oh.. who the hell knows.. I will offer some context and get you caught up on what has happened so far.
This whole thing started with a totally contained virus we will call The Modelo Sickness. It tore through the world like a fat kid eating cake. Symptoms of explosive and sudden diarrhea, liver failure (later found to be alcohol related from being cooped up with your family for days on end), tendency to find Karen haircuts fashionable and your genitalia turning inside out. It was a mess.
Some of us were smart about it. We stayed in. Did not take more than we needed. and it started to pass. But there is always THAT fucker... and there were enough of THOSE fuckers that decided to do what they wanted and fortunately.. we lost most of Frisco, TX to these deadly acts of douche-fuckery.
So,... It kept growing and growing til desperation set in. People looked for any way to fix the situation. Some people started hoarding and looting. One group got the hot idea of tossing old people into a pit of fire... apparently they teach classes on how to build your own at your local Home Depot... as a sacrifice to their deities. It was insane.. the smell of burnt geriatric hung in the air for days. Cities started shutting down... then states.. eventually the country. It was insanity.
Here I was.. out of work... running low on funds.. I had a family to take care of.. So I did what any man would do. I grabbed my old bat.. put some spikes on it... glued some lego blocks on it.. and jumped into my Fiat 500. It was time to bring the pain. As I drove down the eerily quiet Hwy 380, I thought of who I needed to make this whole Regional Warlord thing work. People are a resource I always say. Train them so that they can go anywhere, hunt them down like dogs and kill all their kin if they do go.
First, I needed infrastructure. I had someone to keep things organized and to be honest with me if I was being "extra". Rach had that covered. I needed some people to go on long scouting trips to check out other areas and groups. I have this one friend... He is like a really angry Bilbo Baggins.. We will call him Bilby. He could sneak around in small tunnels easily. His partner, Lita, was great for use as a distraction. You could here her coming for miles AND her scout bike was also really loud. I wouldn't even have to put a bell on them. They LOVED the idea of riding aimlessly all over the place. They also blended well and were used often to infiltrate the roving bands of pirates... who got their outfits at party city I think. It was cute.. they all wore matching outfits. Now. I also needed saboteurs.. I knew just the man for the job. Roth Goldstein was known by everyone. He gained people's trust. An all around great guy. But say we needed to shut down a competitor's supply vehicle. All we had to do is say, "Bro! That truck totally doesn't work! Can you fix it? EVERY time he would eagerly accept the mission.. voila.. that truck wasn't going more than a mile after that. This we had Old Willy.. he kept us in air conditioning.. that was about it. I will go into depth on some of my key players as we go along this written...er...typed journey.
That was a good start. More people would follow.. but thats a story for another time.
Anywho.. I was rambling. Society fell.. people died.. where was I.. AH! SO there I am.. me and my people... rolling through,.. town to town.. taking over. Word got around that we took care of our people so it got to the point that we started getting less and less resistance. Did we have to make a few examples here and there.. sure.. but being a warlord ain't ballet, people.
I hope that gives you a little history of the first 3 days of the virus. It escalated QUICKLY!
I am not sure why I put myself through this. You look confused. Well... since you are tied up there anyway.. And I have nothing really going on for the next.. oh.. who the hell knows.. I will offer some context and get you caught up on what has happened so far.
This whole thing started with a totally contained virus we will call The Modelo Sickness. It tore through the world like a fat kid eating cake. Symptoms of explosive and sudden diarrhea, liver failure (later found to be alcohol related from being cooped up with your family for days on end), tendency to find Karen haircuts fashionable and your genitalia turning inside out. It was a mess.
Some of us were smart about it. We stayed in. Did not take more than we needed. and it started to pass. But there is always THAT fucker... and there were enough of THOSE fuckers that decided to do what they wanted and fortunately.. we lost most of Frisco, TX to these deadly acts of douche-fuckery.
So,... It kept growing and growing til desperation set in. People looked for any way to fix the situation. Some people started hoarding and looting. One group got the hot idea of tossing old people into a pit of fire... apparently they teach classes on how to build your own at your local Home Depot... as a sacrifice to their deities. It was insane.. the smell of burnt geriatric hung in the air for days. Cities started shutting down... then states.. eventually the country. It was insanity.
Here I was.. out of work... running low on funds.. I had a family to take care of.. So I did what any man would do. I grabbed my old bat.. put some spikes on it... glued some lego blocks on it.. and jumped into my Fiat 500. It was time to bring the pain. As I drove down the eerily quiet Hwy 380, I thought of who I needed to make this whole Regional Warlord thing work. People are a resource I always say. Train them so that they can go anywhere, hunt them down like dogs and kill all their kin if they do go.
First, I needed infrastructure. I had someone to keep things organized and to be honest with me if I was being "extra". Rach had that covered. I needed some people to go on long scouting trips to check out other areas and groups. I have this one friend... He is like a really angry Bilbo Baggins.. We will call him Bilby. He could sneak around in small tunnels easily. His partner, Lita, was great for use as a distraction. You could here her coming for miles AND her scout bike was also really loud. I wouldn't even have to put a bell on them. They LOVED the idea of riding aimlessly all over the place. They also blended well and were used often to infiltrate the roving bands of pirates... who got their outfits at party city I think. It was cute.. they all wore matching outfits. Now. I also needed saboteurs.. I knew just the man for the job. Roth Goldstein was known by everyone. He gained people's trust. An all around great guy. But say we needed to shut down a competitor's supply vehicle. All we had to do is say, "Bro! That truck totally doesn't work! Can you fix it? EVERY time he would eagerly accept the mission.. voila.. that truck wasn't going more than a mile after that. This we had Old Willy.. he kept us in air conditioning.. that was about it. I will go into depth on some of my key players as we go along this written...er...typed journey.
That was a good start. More people would follow.. but thats a story for another time.
Anywho.. I was rambling. Society fell.. people died.. where was I.. AH! SO there I am.. me and my people... rolling through,.. town to town.. taking over. Word got around that we took care of our people so it got to the point that we started getting less and less resistance. Did we have to make a few examples here and there.. sure.. but being a warlord ain't ballet, people.
I hope that gives you a little history of the first 3 days of the virus. It escalated QUICKLY!
Day 43: The Plague-pocolypse Saga
Day 43:
It’s like herding kittens.. brain-damaged kittens. To protect my followers from further spreading the mega-plague.. I instituted a midnight curfew and a social distancing.. I feel that is going above and beyond for minions.. but those... unappreciative little, window-licking turd jugglers.. are trying to find loopholes in my policy or outright ignoring it for their own ridiculously selfish, inbred-brained reasons. I am trying to keep this contained. Good henchmen (and henchwomen) are getting harder to come by.. So.. I have started making examples. If you are caught breaking curfew.. instantly and with no question... immediate shooting in the facial area with a bazooka. No warning.. it is “Deedadee... ima do wut I want because I am a stupid face” BLAMMO!!!! No more stupid face. I swear to all that is holy (i.e. Brooksish in nature). You gonna test me? I have five words for you.. I. Wish. A. Bitch. Would. That five? Yep.. five. I often think people, who as I have stated.. are a resource, have no idea the pressure and stress I go through as a regional warlord in this hellscape.. I keep them fed.. sheltered.. better healthcare .. blah blah... Why does no one ask what I need? I mean... if I get a splinter on the rail of my balcony, does my carpenter not bleed?? No appreciation...
It’s like herding kittens.. brain-damaged kittens. To protect my followers from further spreading the mega-plague.. I instituted a midnight curfew and a social distancing.. I feel that is going above and beyond for minions.. but those... unappreciative little, window-licking turd jugglers.. are trying to find loopholes in my policy or outright ignoring it for their own ridiculously selfish, inbred-brained reasons. I am trying to keep this contained. Good henchmen (and henchwomen) are getting harder to come by.. So.. I have started making examples. If you are caught breaking curfew.. instantly and with no question... immediate shooting in the facial area with a bazooka. No warning.. it is “Deedadee... ima do wut I want because I am a stupid face” BLAMMO!!!! No more stupid face. I swear to all that is holy (i.e. Brooksish in nature). You gonna test me? I have five words for you.. I. Wish. A. Bitch. Would. That five? Yep.. five. I often think people, who as I have stated.. are a resource, have no idea the pressure and stress I go through as a regional warlord in this hellscape.. I keep them fed.. sheltered.. better healthcare .. blah blah... Why does no one ask what I need? I mean... if I get a splinter on the rail of my balcony, does my carpenter not bleed?? No appreciation...
Day 34: The Plague-pocolypse Saga
Day 34:
Don't know how Max did it.. Leather does NOT breathe. So far, been fairly uneventful except for the occasional Frisco douche raiding party,, Easily defeated. Pull ridiculous visor over the eyes of the dude-bro.. hit with bat.. wash.. rinse .. repeat. Sadly, the begging for mercy speeches I get from them are limited to their weak vocabulary... They just repeat over and over, "Seriously, Bro?? Seriously?" and their female counterpart screaming, " I LITERALLY can't even!! I am feeling attacked!!! " Makes the bat swing a LOT faster though. So far, I have recovered plenty of supplies..mostly Toilet Paper and White Claws... Checking the ads for a meaner looking post apocalyptic vehicle (ala Road Warrior, Army of Darkness) I have found that it is difficult to look menacing with a bright red Fiat and a Glitter Bomb Road King... I totally missed the boat on that one. I probably should have gone black out Dyna douche... but I would then be no better than the worst parts of society.. This is a process. Note to self.. Carry a frikkin can-opener... Fight on Brothers and Sisters of Brooks. This world is ours. Keep swinging!
Don't know how Max did it.. Leather does NOT breathe. So far, been fairly uneventful except for the occasional Frisco douche raiding party,, Easily defeated. Pull ridiculous visor over the eyes of the dude-bro.. hit with bat.. wash.. rinse .. repeat. Sadly, the begging for mercy speeches I get from them are limited to their weak vocabulary... They just repeat over and over, "Seriously, Bro?? Seriously?" and their female counterpart screaming, " I LITERALLY can't even!! I am feeling attacked!!! " Makes the bat swing a LOT faster though. So far, I have recovered plenty of supplies..mostly Toilet Paper and White Claws... Checking the ads for a meaner looking post apocalyptic vehicle (ala Road Warrior, Army of Darkness) I have found that it is difficult to look menacing with a bright red Fiat and a Glitter Bomb Road King... I totally missed the boat on that one. I probably should have gone black out Dyna douche... but I would then be no better than the worst parts of society.. This is a process. Note to self.. Carry a frikkin can-opener... Fight on Brothers and Sisters of Brooks. This world is ours. Keep swinging!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Chloe
I haven't been terribly inspired much lately. Perhaps, it is because of my general mood of late.. Maybe it is because there is way too much clutter in my head to put out any understandable train of thought.. I am sure most of my readers have figured out that below the salty layer, is the heart of a tortured, romantic poet. A sensitive soul who blathers inflammatory nonsense to distract himself from feeling anything genuine. Or a selfish jerk who enjoys twisting other people's heads like pretzels.. or a sociopathic narcissist who is only worried about his own demons. Or perhaps, the guy who does care about a bunch of people.... but is not so great at showing it. Either way you see me as you choose to see me.. kind of like that monologue from the end of "The Breakfast Club".. Either way.. this is about me and what I am feeling today. Bittersweet.
The end of school has come and gone and on Saturday.. I watched my oldest graduate high school. I am not sure it really hit me then.. at all.. Rach and I got married when we were pretty young.. three months into our marriage, I knocked Rach up. I cannot express how much of a douchebag I was back then.. (some would argue that I still fit that bill) But anyway... on 9/6/95, Chloe came into my life. The girl changed everything. Don't get me wrong.. I did not all of a sudden become a saint.. I still had much douchebaggery ahead of me... but something clicked a bit.. something was bigger than me.. I had some serious growing up to do. So.. with this little blonde, I grew up. Honestly, my daughter and I grew up together. It is a fairly safe assumption that Rach and I would not still be married if we didn't have to refocus on this new attention sucker. It was brutal. In NO WAY am I saying that having a kid will fix a relationship... we dodged a bullet somehow.. So.. back to growing up.. Rach had the most serious job, so I spent a ton of time with Chloe.. We did everything together. That kid was everything. There was never a time that we weren't running around on some adventure. I trusted her (VERY hard for me.. still to this day) and she trusted me completely. There was a certain co-dependence. This little girl carried me on her back (obviously not physically) Now don't get me wrong.. I was still old school when I had to be the corrective force and didn't put up with acting a fool.. but I never baby talked her.. She was a good and respectful kid, so it wasn't that hard a job.. and she was hard on herself when she thought she had disappointed me. In fact, much to my chagrin, she was much harder on herself than we, as parents, were. She has always felt that she could come to us and tell us things... even stuff we REALLY didn't want to hear.. She has my sense of humor... so good luck everyone else.. and has far surpassed her parents accomplishments when we were that age. I am constantly amazed by her. Can she be a selfish twit and have a bit of a princess complex... yes... very much so.. but then she usually figures out how she is acting... comes down later.. and apologizes.. Cant be too bent, I suppose... I created that monster. lol We do everything together and fall over laughing while everyone looks on with a confused look... and I am gonna miss the hell out of her when she goes off to college. It just won't quite be the same. It will be much quieter. I am extremely proud of her and I knew this day was coming... man... this is hard to type. The world is at your fingertips, kid. I know that you made my world a far better place to live in, Chlo.
The end of school has come and gone and on Saturday.. I watched my oldest graduate high school. I am not sure it really hit me then.. at all.. Rach and I got married when we were pretty young.. three months into our marriage, I knocked Rach up. I cannot express how much of a douchebag I was back then.. (some would argue that I still fit that bill) But anyway... on 9/6/95, Chloe came into my life. The girl changed everything. Don't get me wrong.. I did not all of a sudden become a saint.. I still had much douchebaggery ahead of me... but something clicked a bit.. something was bigger than me.. I had some serious growing up to do. So.. with this little blonde, I grew up. Honestly, my daughter and I grew up together. It is a fairly safe assumption that Rach and I would not still be married if we didn't have to refocus on this new attention sucker. It was brutal. In NO WAY am I saying that having a kid will fix a relationship... we dodged a bullet somehow.. So.. back to growing up.. Rach had the most serious job, so I spent a ton of time with Chloe.. We did everything together. That kid was everything. There was never a time that we weren't running around on some adventure. I trusted her (VERY hard for me.. still to this day) and she trusted me completely. There was a certain co-dependence. This little girl carried me on her back (obviously not physically) Now don't get me wrong.. I was still old school when I had to be the corrective force and didn't put up with acting a fool.. but I never baby talked her.. She was a good and respectful kid, so it wasn't that hard a job.. and she was hard on herself when she thought she had disappointed me. In fact, much to my chagrin, she was much harder on herself than we, as parents, were. She has always felt that she could come to us and tell us things... even stuff we REALLY didn't want to hear.. She has my sense of humor... so good luck everyone else.. and has far surpassed her parents accomplishments when we were that age. I am constantly amazed by her. Can she be a selfish twit and have a bit of a princess complex... yes... very much so.. but then she usually figures out how she is acting... comes down later.. and apologizes.. Cant be too bent, I suppose... I created that monster. lol We do everything together and fall over laughing while everyone looks on with a confused look... and I am gonna miss the hell out of her when she goes off to college. It just won't quite be the same. It will be much quieter. I am extremely proud of her and I knew this day was coming... man... this is hard to type. The world is at your fingertips, kid. I know that you made my world a far better place to live in, Chlo.
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