Mama told me there would be days like this...
I mean.. not specifically THIS, per se.. There was nothing about piles of bodies everywhere (which make great sandbags for bunkers if you wrap them well enough.. and if it is cold enough outside) There was nothing about abandoned cars all over the roads.. (make sure and get the keys out of the driver's pocket before you wrap them up).. There was nothing about the lack of in-house dining (all of the drive-throughs are open though.. and delivery... though we keep losing drivers to assorted STDs due to their new found social status.
I'm rambling.. Anyway.. So.. I try to keep some normality for all my peeps, followers, and minions. My team and I work very hard to make the plague-pocalypse suck less for the people by having special events.. carnivals.. hiring and job fairs.. the usual. The job fairs have been a roaring success!!!! 100% placement for everyone!! My success rating is amazing with this! People come in.. with no job.. leave.. with a job! The process is simple.. They form an organized line.. They come up to a table we set up (very festive.. confetti and shit...pens.. mouse pads with my face on them) and my team says .. "Congrats!! Here is your job!!" No worries about competition.. no worries about having to look sharp.. we just hand you any shit job we didn't want and you do it.. Simple.. You work, you get shelter, food, and the opportunity to keep breathing.
Also, coming up, is the The Hella Uber Mega Birthday!!! for .. me! Biggest event of the year.. celebrating all the wonderful stuff I have done for everyone. I leave that to Rach and Bevin Frye (my head of security and chairman of the department of get rid of people who annoy me). You want to talk about someone who was born for their job.. Bev ( I call him Bev.. I abhor using more than one syllable) is the only person I know of who is more annoyed by humanity than I am. Plus, it doesn't hurt that he is hitched to my head of sad trombone.. It is important to have someone poke holes in your ideas and dreams and just generally suck the air out of the room, and dammit.. Mandy Frye is that person..
Ok.. back to my party. My scouts, Bilby and Lita, were assigned the duty to find a source of 3000 cupcakes for the festival. They needed to be assorted flavors.. leaning heavily on the chocolate side of things... and to be safe for everyone, we asked if anyone had a nut allergy and/or gluten intolerance. Those people were immediately rounded up and shot.. thus adding to our depleting (and frankly getting a little squishy) sandbag supply. They went off on their ridiculously loud stealth cycles to the area east of us.. past the wastelands of Frisco and slightly south of the Douche-pits.
Reports state that they came upon a huge fortress... legend says it was formally an arena,, or stadium of sorts.. It was a bit crumbly.. (they probably paid way too much for such shoddy workmanship) but the walls around it were MASSIVE!!! It was made almost entirely of high school band equipment and discontinued shoes.. This was the home of the Keeper of The Cuppycakes.. a place where you could get incredible pastries.. but at what price.. But.. cake ain't gonna make itself.. and I sure as hell ain't doing it.
B&L took the direct approach.. They rolled up to the gates and Lita was so brutal with telling the guards how they should be guarding that they packed up and left.. sniffling.. They heard one say to the other, "I'm not crying.. You're crying.." Oh yeah.. Old Willy was with them driving the truck.. forgot to mention that, because frankly, no one expected him to show up.
B&L& Old W waltzed in with a small crew.. They heard really bad new country music being piped through the speakers and a cold chill ran up their spines. The walls were hiding these huge ovens.. spitting smoke out the tops.. Ovens as large as a mini-mall and hotter than a mini-mall being torched for insurance reasons.. Suddenly.. clouds of smoke... nay.. A.P. flour surrounded them. They were blinded and then jumped and tied up by a bunch of strapping lads who all were wearing identical masks, dressed the same.. and had more of that white shit on their shoes. They also spoke with a really bad take on an Irish accent.. though you could hear the Texas accent through it. When asked why they had the goofy getups.. their only reply was, "We serve HER." My crew was then brought to what had to be the main bakery.. They were sat on milk crates and thats when they saw the chick the cheap Colin Farrell knock offs were talking about.
A broad.. with red hair.. pacing back and forth.. slightly hunched over.. with a completely exasperated look and tone about her.. was basically talking to herself as she fidgeted back and forth between mixers and ovens... tossing trays in and yanking them out with an ungodly speed. "Cant make the cakes if no one mixes the batter.. cant make the batter if no one gets the eggs.. cant get they eggs if ... " she was muttering to herself.. Then she froze... turned suddenly to my crew as if it were the first time she noticed they were there.. and spouted in a crazed.. obviously not all there tone, "Welcome to Ignorance Pancakes and other types of Cakes!!! What the fuck do you want?"
Bilby.. looking more annoyed than usual.. says, " Well.. first.. untie me you, crazy bitch!! and then..I need to order a shit ton of cupcakes for my mentor and hero's birthday bash!!" "Ohhhhhhhh... And when do you neeeeeed these happy (twitch) little cupcakes??" She said.. with pure malice dripping from her words. Lita pipes in, "Well, you probably don't have anything better to do.. so... 3 days? I mean.. how hard is it to make cupcakes.. really..." Fire burned in the eyes of the Pastry Queen... "Couldn't have... I dunno (twitch twitch)... given a little advance notice?? Not like I have anything BETTER to do!!! (BIG twitch) Not like I can get any of these idiots around me to do any actual work!!!!!! But SURE.. cupcakes.. How many?" "30 Hundred!!", Old Willy chimed in.. (obviously, he wanted to feel like part of the conversation too.) The Pastry Queen spat "Three fucking thousand cup cakes??.. Three days???? (twitch twitch) You tell that Overlord that he can suck it!! If he wants a war!!!!! I WILL BRING THE PAIN!!!" as her face turned redder than her hair... "Well.. one... Woman.. You need to calm down.. (always effective) and B. My friend, Marty Turco, said you were the best..", Bilby exclaimed. Right as she was about to brain my buddy, Bilby, with a rolling pin.. she stopped... the fury left her eyes instantly.. and then she turned into what I can only describe as a silly, teenage girl (in actions.. not actuality. cuz what? How would a person de-age) "Omigawd.. Marty was talking about me?? (twirling on her hair).. Like did he.. like OMIGAWD!!! OMIGAWD!!! You know Marty T?? YES YES YES!!! I will totally get those cupcakes to you!!!! My name is Jaimee Falcon and I will fulfill your order!!!SQUEEEEEEE!!!!" she shrieked as she skipped around like a loon.. swinging a whisk over her head!! "I will make one special for him!!! OMAAAAAGAAWD!!! Tell Marty to call me!!! " She swooned..
She quickly released my crew.. dusted them off and within 2 hours had all the cupcakes made plus threw in a few thousand more and some Macarons on top of that. B, L& Old W loaded up Willy's van and headed back. The party got pulled off.. except for the sound system and lighting going out a few times.. Who the hell put Roth in charge of that??
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