I think it is important that everyone looks into themselves and asks questions.. How did I get here? Why am I who I am? Where did this odd fetish for cheaply made, cardboard robot costumes come from? All of the important questions...
Don't take this as some sort of pity party.. it isn't.. I actually have and had a pretty good life, all things considered.. It was just different than some of yours. I don't believe in blaming who you are against things or people in your past. Every day we all make decisions on who we are and how we are going to react to it. I don't think of myself as a bad person.. quite the contrary. I have the feeling that many of the people I know.. or know me.. don't know me.. totally.. get it? I know it has to do with some defense mechanisms I have put up over the years .. <insert psycho-babble> A bunch of people see me as larger than life.. no fat jokes, dicks... but in reality.. I was painfully shy for most of my life... that still kicks in and tries to rear its ugly head today. Now, the people who knew me <i.e. talked to on a semi-regular basis> would never have grasped that concept.. if I felt safe with you.. I wouldn't shut up.. I was a cocky, yet semi-harmless, charming jerk. LOL I suppose high school is the best example.. because most everyone went to high school.. and they have reunions and such afterwards later on in life.. so it is all linked and such. Let's dig in.
I was, for the most part, very much to myself. And by that.. I mean.. I was in my own little world. An ADHD addled mind is a crazy assed place to hang out.. then put medications for it into the mix.. So it was either .. non-treated ADHD.. I was falling asleep all the time.. or my brain was doing a few thousand things a second.. so.. I was about as focused as a squirrel on a cocaine bender.... or I was medicated.. and then I was just a zombie.. no personality.. drooling.. la la land zombie.. minus the brain eating thing.. I am sure that would have been a major faux pas.. I don't honestly remember a whole lot about the heavy details of school.. just snippets. I think I got along with most everyone, but looking back.. I never (even now) knew how I was perceived. It just wasn't an awareness I had. I think that is something that your student council types, popular types.. etc.. have. A self awareness.. That is a good thing to have! I was in an odd place.. I was very much into me.. but had no idea of how I was seen or what was going on in the world around me. Except for my horrible grades (thank God I was a great tester.. I just didn't do homework) life at Nimitz was pretty good. I did what I could to get by.. grades-wise.. social-wise.. I lied a lot.. cheated a lot.. did the fake it til you make it type thing.. and for the most part.. it worked. My parents tried their best with me.. sending me to a shrink to have someone to talk to.. but I just told them and the shrink what I knew they wanted to hear. I edited my report cards.. forged progress reports.. There were a few guys that I think could smell something wrong with me, so they would push me around on a semi-daily basis.. but I really didn't harbor any anger towards them.. I knew I was kind of weird and figured it was just par for the course.. Even at the reunion, I went and tried to talk to one. I figured 20 years.. water under the bridge.. that sort of thing. I chatted him up a bit (typical small talk.. wife, kids..).. he seemed uncomfortable.. I didn't push the issue. Though he did seem like a nice guy and had a lovely wife. I did get to meet some people that I went to school with for years, but had never met. Got to go to Angelo's for the first time! See? I was that much out of the loop! LOL.. anyway.. I can sense my train of though de-railing.. back to the story. I never could figure out my lack of confidence.. I had too many things that contradicted that in so many ways.. I thought of myself as very good looking, charming, and smart... but I froze in situations that I was not familiar with. I would not ask out a girl for the most part.. waiting for them to ask me out. (obvious fear of rejection issues) I think I nearly dated a teacher though.. that is for another time. I was.. and I still am fiercely competitive.. I did not lose well... nor did I win with grace. I guess in a way, I was kind of an asshole in that area. We had the soccer tournament between the different languages. I was on the Latin team.. and we were playing a Spanish team. I played soccer for many years (not for Nimitz) so.. I knew the rules..I knew how to play.. but I saw the Spanish teacher with the soccer ball and ran full speed into her.. taking the ball. Not the act of a gentleman.. I didn't get to finish that game.. I have gotten a little better about my over-competitiveness LOL
Hmmm.. now as I read back.. I realize I had a pretty ordinary existence. I do jump around quite a bit, though. Eh.. More to come later.. I need more coffee..
No comments:
Post a Comment